Following are quiet ways to challenge your child to become more confident
with his or her own achievements:
• When you give your children chores or offer them books a little more
advanced than their age, their confidence increases as they learn they can
perform them or read them.
• When your child does well, congratulate him or her with words of
encouragement or a hug. "This one is tricky," says psychology professor
Paul Miller. "You don't want them to do things merely to get a reward.
Then you take the joy out of it. So, don't reward them for getting an 'A,'
but for the hard work they put in that resulted in the grade."
• Don't run your child's life. You may think you are providing security by
taking everything on yourself, but if a child is given no responsibility,
he or she cannot develop confidence. This also means you should let him or
her direct a shared activity.
• "Invite them to join you in your tasks," Miller says. If you are fixing
the car or cooking the evening meal, find age-appropriate ways the child
can help.
• "Don't compare your child with other children," Miller says. "It's
important to remember that kids' confidence will wax and wane."
You should expect even an otherwise confident child to feel less so during
a divorce or when he or she changes schools after a move.
Even an adventurous child in grade school may become unsure in high
school. Or a timid child may discover confidence in good grades or a
developing talent for computers or cooking. Such changes are normal.
Ways to wreck confidence
Following are some potentially confidence-wrecking scenarios parents
should avoid:
• Don't be negative: "Parents who are critical and negative cause low
self-confidence," psychologist Carol Bettino says.
"If your child has cleaned up his room, don't tell him only, 'You didn't
put your shoes away.' Kids get discouraged if all they hear is 'No, no,
no.' "
• Don't set impossible goals: If you make the goals for your child too
high and he or she cannot master them, self-confidence suffers.
• Don't overprotect your kids: "You are not helping them by keeping them
away from hurts or disappointments," says psychology professor Paul Miller
says. Children lose confidence if they don't learn how to master
disappointments, such as not making the team or not doing well on a test.
It's all part of growing up.
• Don't make your goals into your children's goals: They may not be able
to meet them. Their talents might lie elsewhere.
• Don't reward your child for every success: "Children like to feel the
success they have created," Miller says. "Sometimes you have to let them
enjoy their own moment.
• Don't act like a pill just because your kid acts like one: "Research
shows the parent who can stay calm when the kids display negative emotions
have kids that are much better at self-regulating five years down the
road," Miller says. Being emotionally patient can be difficult, but
modeling such behavior is one of the best things you can do for your
child.
