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by Dr. Phelan,
ParentMagic.com, April 2007
This idea that
children really want limits isn’t completely true. It is true, of course,
that in the long run youngsters are more comfortable in a house where
parents have clear, reasonable rules and enforce them consistently and
fairly. Under these circumstances the kids are better off whether or not
they realize the connection between their parents’ behavior and their own
well being. In such a home, in addition to feeling cozy, warm and
comfortable, children are also developing the critical skill of
frustration tolerance.
Frustration
tolerance is the ability to put up with discomfort or pain now in order to
achieve some more important future objective. It’s a beautiful evening and
I would like to trash this math homework, but I’d also like to get at
least a B in the course. I’d like to slug my brother, but I don’t want to
upset my mother and be grounded. I’d like another piece of lemon meringue
pie, but I don’t want to get fat. Successful adults learned high
frustration tolerance (HFT) when they were kids. Many unsuccessful adults
still show low frustration tolerance (LFT).
Children Want What They Want When They Want It
Kids are just kids,
so naturally they start out at the LFT point. At any one moment, children
want what they want, and they can be angry and disappointed if they don’t
get it. Kids generally do not welcome or enjoy adult-imposed limits, and,
as a result, the youngsters’ resulting frustration frequently leads to
trouble with their parents. But learning to tolerate both limits and
frustration is a normal and necessary part of growing up. |
